Dear Sibling and My Sibling’s Frustration

I was stuck in traffic today.
I normally have late nights and early mornings so standstill traffic isn’t a thing I deal with often.
My frustration skyrocketed and my optimism left me completely.
I felt trapped and suffocated.
No one knows how to drive!

But it’s not seeing the same car for what feels like a lifetime and we’ve only gone two inches that frustrates me.
I think it’s my own life.
And every time I think about my own life, I feel stupid.
Selfish.
Ungrateful.

I will be honest with you, sibling of mine, I am not a fan of self care.
Business doesn’t care if you had a baby or if you broke your arm.
Bills don’t care if you got robbed or if you’re having a bad day.
The check engine light doesn’t care if you are struggling to make ends meet.
I struggle with the idea of putting more time in relaxing when I could be working.
Improving.
Doing anything but sitting still.

I’m working on another piece about planning and I did a pie chart for where my time goes now and where I would like it to be.
(I’m trying really hard not to go buy a pack of cigarettes right now.)
If I take the 30 minutes of dreading, the 2 hours of procrastination, and the hour and 20-minute long nap that comes with overwhelming myself…is that not just a terrible version of self-care?

Time doesn’t care where you put it. You can slap any label you want on anything you do, it doesn’t change what you really did with that time. It won’t mind if it’s wasted, time that is, it simply won’t give it back.

I wish I could tell you what is frustrating me right now but I can’t.
The words get stuck.
Another thing to add to the list.

I know it’s really easy to get mad at yourself when there are so many things that seem much worse in the world than whatever you’re going through. We’re taught to shut up about our problems and focus on helping others and that statement always seems to come from, honestly, the most selfish people.

If you can’t help yourself, how the hell are you going to help anyone else?

And it’s true. I run into people I met ages ago, on a random night in a club, and I went and said hi.
I don’t know, you know if it’s too much or too little, but sometimes it’s the right amount of kindness.
And sometimes those people are sad pretending to be happy because you’re supposed to be happy when you’re out in public, right?
It looks like a little crack on an otherwise perfect glass globe and you can only see the duct tape and spackle, the chewing gum and hope holding it all together if you have a little-cracked globe of your own.
So I try.
Even if it all goes to shit and it sometimes does.
I try.

You have to find something that puts the frustration in a different light.
If you hold this feeling of resentment towards it, it’s just going to exhaust you.
Frustrating things are frustrating. Take anyone and throw them into a frustrating situation, surprise, they will be frustrated.
So let’s level that playing field now.
There are people who will never know your frustration or that they are the cause of it.
There are probably also some people who do and are trying their best and you have to be a little more patient than usual…because they hurt too.
Sometimes opportunities do not present themselves. They are dicks like that. In your life, there will be a ridiculous number of opportunities you will have to create yourself.
Out of nothing.
With just your own faith in yourself.
Sometimes, you will need to let an opportunity go.

The truth they don’t tell you in the self-help, metaphysical, “light a candle and make a wish” books is…
It might get worse before it gets better and better might be a long way off.
The solution is not to hide under the covers and wait for the storm to pass.
You have to brace yourself for the results of the decisions you have made and will make.
I mean, you’re still standing, so there has to be a reservoir of past experiences that gave you something to work with.
I mean if you know this is failure then you must have some idea of what success looks like, and now you can work in that direction.

Fuck up the odds.

Until next time,
Don’t be hungry for life. Be ravenous.
Zakkarrii Edison Daniels

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