The only holiday I can’t deal with by myself is Valentine’s Day. The day before, I’m fine. The day after, I’m fine. But the day of? Impossibly unbearable.
A friend posted something about wanting to give up on social interactions entirely. I shared it, of course as I relate heavily to it and I loved seeing the likes and the comments of “me too”. It was like someone snapping in an empty room, like the drop of a stone in a pond. These ripples of feelings made this feeling seem like “Oh, but I’m not an alien? I’m a human.”
When I get in relationships of any kind I like to play a game and guess which of my traits will send them running for the hills. “That’s defeatist!” You cry, but I know better.
Familiarity, proximity, and availability, those are the laws of attraction. http://rozenbergquarterly.com/attraction-and-relationships-the-journey-from-initial-attachments-to-romantic-love/
I could validate my weirdness here, but that starts of a comparison game between the two of us, you, the reader and me, the writer and that’s even more defeatist. I don’t think the problem is what makes you too weird to be loved. It’s the fact you feel that way at all.
So, I’m secretly perfect and everyone should love me.
Let me shift the perspective. (I’m writing under the assumption you meant: I am perfect therefore everyone should love me.
By that logic, if you are not perfect, no one should love you. Now, it’s easy to say that to yourself, but would you turn to your sibling, your friend, your parents in the middle of a divorce and say that?
And even then, what you’re really saying is in your mind there is a version of yourself you would like to feel loved. That’s where the perfect and not perfect business kicks in because we don’t go around validating other relationships through our lens of perfect or not perfect.
But I’m never going to be perfect. No one is perfect.
I knew when I was 24 I wanted to be a stupid 24 year old. I wanted to party and be a whole lot of extra, and be super flirty. No marriage, no kids, no real problems with other people. And that 24 year old me full of mistakes was the perfect version of myself at 24 full of mistakes. But that’s not who I want to be now. So now I’m not the perfect version of myself. I get to become a different version of perfect.
Perfect is not this static thing sitting on a mountain and life is a singular quest to get to the top of the mountain. Perfect is the river flowing down from the top of the mountain, but there are going to be some days you are not near the river. You are going to get lost and being dying of thirst and you are going to meet people who show you the way back. Hell, you are going to meet people who take you away from the river and you have to get back by yourself!
So you are going to be perfect to someone somewhere sometimes, and other days not so much. Welcome to being human 101.
But what if no one loves me?
I am going to write under the assumption there’s this specific type of love you are looking for…yeah?
Okay, now focus here.
Love is a partnership right? That love you’re looking for is a partnership, right? So are you ready for whatever you think or want to go into that partnership? That kind of love is going to show you things you did not know existed, test you in ways you did not know you could be tested and is this version of yourself ready for that? The answer can be yes.
But what if the be all, end all partner isn’t ready yet?
What if a part of that love is just being ready and waiting?
What if it has nothing to do with how perfect you are, and that person is getting all perfect for you and the universe is telling you “Baby, chill for a minute, knit a sweater. They’re getting their eyebrows even.”
I am just saying…
Sometimes, it’s not complicated, it’s just different from what you expected. Like maybe you’re fighting to be loved by certain kinds of people who are not at the place necessary to love you the right way, right now, and you are dying of thirst. Maybe these people are serving you sewage and maybe being alone for a minute is going to get you back to that river.
I’m just saying…People who actually love you will not make you drink sewage.
Until next time,
Don’t be hungry for life. Be ravenous.
Zakkarrii Edison Daniels