If you’ve read On Love and the Chasm, this should be a real treat for you. This may be not a definitive guide but it could possibly be the start you’ve been looking for. Assumed sass is like this, declarative statements on love in bold, and links are underlined. I’m not going to break down the various forms of love, like how you love your dog and how you love cake. I won’t even honor superficial infatuation and emotionally detached lust as a shadow of love. I’m talking about love, a feeling that decides if you answer the phone at some ungodly hour, if you offer to spend lavish amounts of money without thinking about it, the way you feel, really feel, your heart, in your chest when you look at someone. Romantic, intimate, LOVE, baby.
And what would you know about love?
Well, I suppose, just as much as the next person but I’m playing teacher right now, so pipe down. I am a very distant person. I also have a hard time with emotional attachment so I’ve read loads of books on it. (Can’t keep a curious girl down.) This isn’t about your fairytale, we came to talk some real shit. So if your heart is feeling lost and/or heavy, I would like to help you reclaim it. You should knkw some things first…
Love is something that develops. If you are as impatient as I am, this can be frustrating. It probably can also lead to you to be distrusting of people who don’t develop feelings for you at the pace you would like them to, or closed off entirely because other things can satisfy you sooner. I don’t think you have to be patient with love. You could be in a situation for six years and never love it, have a jacket for a lifetime and never wear it. You should feel it growing with your relationship, if love is to be involved. Ah, which reminds me…
Love comes in many shades. There is a consistent pressure that when you’re in a relationship, the trophy, the ultimate goal, is this undeniably powerful sense of love. You are their everything, the one they want to be with constantly, and nothing or no one could ever change that. I’m sure it exists, but saying that’s the only one true love is assuming there is only one way to live. Darling reader, not every person you meet is going to want their life to be just like yours. So there are different ways to love and be loved.
But Zakkarrii, is that then not a good relationship? Like aren’t you supposed to find someone who is like you and wants the same things you do?
No. I don’t think that at all. You’ll love dozens of people in your life, well after you swore off relationships after the last one and the last one seemed so perfect right? You’ll love people because they are different from you, and you’ll cross the bridges of differences (they want to be an artist but you’re corporate) or burn them (he wants kids and you don’t). We all have fantasies or lists of Mr./Mrs. Perfect and yet here we are, where you probably love someone who doesn’t even meet half the stuff on that list and you’re happy. Surprise.
And while you’re off trying to define love for yourself…Love is something you build with another person. You make the decision to compromise in a relationship, but you don’t have to. You can cling to your list of “Ways You’ve Got to Love Me” and wait for someone to love you that way. Compromise doesn’t even promise that love will be there as a result, or the intentions behind a compromise are based in love. I don’t agree with the sentiment of “You get what you put in it.” Some people can be exceptionally good looking and exceptionally clueless to match. So you flung your heart into a relationship and keep coming up empty handed? Talk to that other person about how to love you and either they change or they don’t. You then make the decision to stay or to go. However, it’s not a “give and take”, a meticulously kept scoreboard of love to be rewarded, you should love with integrity, love the way you want to be loved.
Love is as fragile as it is strong. My favorite relationship ever opened with me asking “Will I always be scared of losing you?” and they responded “I think a little insecurity in a relationship is good.” I’m not saying you should be relishing the doubts you have about your relationship, look at how deeply we can love someone and how great everything can be, and we still tell our friends, “I don’t think they love me.” I honestly think there is a difference between founded doubts such as concern over a change in behavior, and thinking “Am I good enough for this person?” You usually are, because you are still in a relationship with them, but you want to be as good as you can be and I think that’s great. Run with that. But as people change, love can change and that’s a part of all of this.
So how do you accept love and should any old love satisfy? You should feel loved, even if you’re like me and you have to analyze everything to death and feel there’s a hole in your chest, you should feel it. To me, it feels like a small wave of electricity spreading across my body. I feel it calm me down and light me up. I know which of my friends love me and the ways they do. I know the ebb and flow of love, how it recedes a little with absence and reignites with reunion. You should know love because you love yourself and how you want to be loved in a relationship. To accept love is to believe you are worthy of it. I’m learning that is a hard lesson, but one worth pursuing. Not any old love should satisfy though. It should feel rich and truly given, not casually offered like it was tossed through the air and rolled to your feet by chance.
But I suppose this is only the surface of such a heavy concept as love is. “How to Love” and “How to Love Yourself” are probably the next in the series of weird tutorials no one taught you when you were growing up.
For the 666, what is a social and/or emotional concept you’ve struggled with and how can others learn from your experience? Conforming for the sake of surviving? How to trust people with two faces? Why bacon is so delicious? I’d love to know, leave your linkage in the comments.
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Until next time,
Don’t be hungry for life. Be ravenous.
Zakkarrii Edison Daniels