I have not been posting lately, cue an endless sea of apologies….or no, wait…don’t. I’m kind of not sorry because life has been getting to me and presently a lot of it is out of my control.
My faith in other people is generally a desolate wasteland, filled with imagined shadow creatures (assuming the worst in others) and actual monsters (people being deceitful) with no hard and fast way to discern between the two. I try to believe that there is good, that hope will prevail against all else, but so far I’m just left disappointed and it’s starting to take its toll…on everything.
My faith in myself is also waning and I’m fighting off depression with every stick I can find. It’s barely working, keeping my head just above the surface long enough for the day to pass and escape into sleep for as long as I can. This is not how I imagined myself being productive right now. But that is life for you, a constant opportunity to see what you are made of and to discover where your breaking point is. My desires haven’t changed, I still believe in my dreams, but what once was unquestioning belief they could be achieved is now a skeptical shrug.
Perhaps the honeymoon phase of 2015 has worn off, it had been a very good run. A solid six months of happiness and optimism with a startling descent come June. Now, we’re in the long haul of autumn and winter, the expensive holiday spree and normally I’m happy around this time. I plan out next year and all the things I want to achieve before the year ends. I have a list if movies, music, and books I want to pay attention to. I reflect on what I’ve done in the last year and look ravenously onto the next. Tonight and the month of September it’s simply been about making it to the next day.
My friends have been wildly successful though and it does give me hope. I’m surrounded by talented people who also happen to love me (still…I don’t know why, I’m two steps above a potato compared to them). Whatever little I accomplished since August is because I see them succeed and I want to succeed too. I feel like I just need to center myself, find my way back to that person and let myself breathe, process, grow.
But it’s really a lack of faith in other people dragging me down. Like…did I do something wrong?
If you’re going through something similar or just having a bad time altogether, just remember I believe in you. I have faith you will triumph.
I’ll try to get some posts up for October, our people’s Christmas, so bear with me. If you don’t hear from me at all the week of October 11th, it’s because I had to drastically restructure my entire life.
Until next time,
Don’t be hungry for life. Be ravenous.