Hello, My Name is Zakkarrii

It’s been a very long time since you and I spoke, so I think it best we get reacquainted. I am Zakkarrii Edison Daniels. While there are posts floating about somewhere about my gender and sexual orientation, I have never cared enough about either to fully understand what they mean to me. I generally don’t feel like either, and I have no preference when it comes to gender which is more accurate, honestly, then saying I am attracted to any gender. I do like people older than me rather than younger, but I find all people fascinating within themselves. To me, individuals are like masterpieces that can take on new experiences to become something even more beautiful than they already were. Life is precious, and murder of any kind is…well it is the greatest horror a human being can commit unto another. However, I am not a vegetarian or vegan. I enjoy eating meat and am always grateful for the life that was taken in that case so that I may survive. True, you don’t necessarily need meat to survive, I appreciate the way our ancestors would use every part of an animal, and always have some honor in it. We do need better practices for treating the animals we consume. What were we talking about?

Oh yes. Me.

I believe sex is an art you create with someone else, so I have no interest in one night stands or quickies. Human interaction is a compromise always, and one should speak honestly and as if their tongue is laced with magic. That is to say, no word should be wasted, no conversation idle, and make eye contact for they are the windows to the soul. I would probably have more friends if I didn’t appear to take my life so seriously. I have no patient for people who don’t though. Your life is serious business, you do only get the one and if people call you a bitch or seek to waste your time, you will lose your life to them. Time does go by so quickly, but I firmly believe you can bend it to your will. Live fiercely and with purpose, but never at the cost of others’ happiness. Spoil yourself, often. You never ever know where an opportunity can take you, so be polite and bold.

I seem to keep forgetting we’re talking about me.

I am often lonely, and I have such a heavy heart. I have never allowed myself to truly believe I am good enough or intelligent. I fear the second I do, I will stop trying to be perfect, I will stop enjoying the journey to perfection, and the beauty is I have such a long way to go. In new relationships, I like to know the worst things about the other person first. Seems only fair to know what you’re getting into right? When I make friends I make friends for life. I will never say I love you to someone I don’t actually love completely. Intimacy has always been a struggle for me, I have so many books about it. My studies have led me to believe it’s not a science, though so many try to make it one, but an art. I love French ever since I was a child. It sounded so familiar, which is weird because no one in my family speaks it, or at lest they didn’t when I was a child. I can read it very well, but lord help me I cannot write it. I am terrible at spelling. It was the only subject, besides geometry, I ever struggled with.

I love logic puzzles and creating little games to make work less tedious. I am competitive with myself, but not so much other people. Most people who have met me do not believe I have social anxiety, but I work very hard to make it seem like I don’t. Not to pretend that I am “normal” mind you, I am open about my issues of course, but to learn how to interact with people better. One day, when I have a house all my own, there will be a wall in the kitchen covered in flow charts of how I learned to be social. By the way, I collect Monster High dolls, I find them fascinating and inspiring. I’m saving some for my children.

My biggest fear in relationships is that no matter how good I am, I will never be seen as worth something to the other person. I sometimes think I should change everything about myself in order to feel loved, but that would lying and the relationship would then be false. I think people who encourage rebellion and “be yourself”, forget to include how hard it can be. I believe you should always be yourself, yes obviously, but you should always know why, and how you got to where you are. One of the greatest lessons in life is how monumental a small choice can really be. Down to the words you say in a conversation at a bar. Though there should be no pressure, a moment can lead you down so many paths and just because you missed one now, does not mean you won’t ever return later. (Remember all that stuff about being polite and bold?)

Where should we wrap this up? I want my personality, my muchiness, to spill like purple water over everything. There are consequences to this method, as opposed to following typical social convention. I hate the idea of pacing myself, or knowing my place when that is honestly irrelevant. I will not allow you to remain in ignorance or escape responsibility. One day it may very well be my job to teach other people how to understand other people, so why wait? Something positive, something positive…..I never believe something is impossible. People say there is magic in the world, but goddamnit, YOU ARE THE MAGIC. If I can be hell bent on weaving together everything I love about Wonderland into my boring mundane life, then good god how is there not magic to be found in every bloodstream? How is every life not worth living for, saving, loving?

Maybe that wasn’t exceptionally positive, but then again I have never been good at talking about myself. For more on how I live this strange, strange little life, take a moment to follow the blog by “Joining the Exploration Party” at the top of this page. For more of a visual representation, follow me on Facebook,Youtube,Tumblr,Instagram.

Until next time,

Don’t be hungry for life. Be ravenous.

Z.e.D.

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