Smoke Break

Totally not living up to my post everyday desires. I am in a transition period like no other. It’s exciting but also terrifying and the medley of emotions is leaving me…breathless most days.

As I sit in my car engulfed in a cloud of smoke I am grateful for my past. If I hadn’t have been in a questionable situation six months ago (drama drama drama) I wouldn’t be here now with the new people I’ve met and enjoy these moments now.  All the possibilities before me are mine for the taking and it finally (FINALLY) feels like I am where I am supposed to be.

I’ve always been uncomfortable with “It gets better” response to depression and suicide. It haunts me everywhere I turn and I don’t want to trust it. (Speaking of course as a person with such issues). I sometimes want to shout back “You’re wrong. You’re lying. You have no idea what’s in store for me.” I don’t even know my entire story yet. But…it does get different. There will always be some shit waiting for me around the corner. There will be panic attacks and days I truly have no strength, no desire to carry on. But it has changed. The problems of last year that seemed so impossible to bear are not the problems of today. I got through that, one wonky way or another. The awful relationships, the crap jobs, the moments of failure are nothing to me now.

And here I sit. Terrified yet again of a future that may or may not turn out to be everything I dream of. Worried of people and the harm they can they do without even knowing it. But for the first time in my life I am truly happy. Every morning has been a joy for the last two months. People have come and gone, moments passed, disappointment a constant vistor and I smile. I don’t want to trust it gets better but in some ridiculous way it honestly does.

But only because I have gotten better. That’s the part they always leave out. I got hungrier for life,  for adventure, for my turn at happiness. I found myself on the edge of desperation and threw myself at a chance and then another. Until the pain of being hurt and hated,  the fear of being abandoned and fucked over couldn’t rival the joy of the good moments…and the hunger for them which could not be satiated. 

My life is not perfect and I am constantly wanting more of everything.  But I am living darling and there isn’t a damn thing that can stop me.

Until next time (hopefully tomorrow),

Don’t be hungry for life. Be ravenous.

Z.e.D.

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