I know by making this public I will lose friends. I will lose credibility and be mocked and people will distance themselves from me. I just want you to know I’ve been dealing with this since the day you met me. The only thing that’s changed is now you know.
At this moment, I want to get into my car, drive very very fast and crash it. Into a wall, off a bridge, whatever. There’s a horrible voice inside me that makes it sound very reasonable and it’s almost winning.
But I’m not going to do that.
It’s been a long time since I felt this way. I’ve been depressed on and off forever but the suicide thing was a part of my past. Right? Now here we are. But how, how when every part of myself was ready to cave in and give up, I didn’t? Being back in this frame of mind, and I guess a lot of people don’t get it, is best explained with a picture.
You are walking down the road (of life) when the path splits. One is a little dark and foreboding the other a little brighter, but still not…pleasant. You think it doesn’t matter which you choose so you go down one. But then it gets a little darker, the forest a little thicker but you’re strong you can do it. You have a flashlight, snacks, an assortment of get through it gear. But either the gear runs out or you realize you can no longer see in front of you and you get scared. Very scared, where your brain starts suggesting all kinds of stupid shit. Normally you’d fight it but you don’t believe that anymore do you? So you’re desperate for something to convince the brain that ending it all isn’t a good idea.
Whew. And that’s the gist metaphor, there are books and blogs about the real horror of it. But back to why I’m here and not in my car.
I have to cancel it out. I would watch tv or anything really but the laptop has decided I have to tough this out on my own. I could text or call someone but no…I know how that ends. The horrible thoughts (I’m not entirely pleased with that phrase but hmmm) are like a broken record. I remember a show I really want to see. “By yourself?” The brain mocks me. Yeah by myself, so why would I think of the show? Because it will be beautiful. It might be a fascinating story and stir my heart and someone will have made it. This show was someone’s brain baby and if there’s one beautiful person having beautiful brain babies, there’s at least a dozen other people like them and I would like to meet them. It’s barely working but the brain has paused. I need something concrete, something big (to me) to keep me out of the car, out of this frame of mind. But it has to be real. Shaky optimism is a flashlight with low batteries. I need a floodlight. “You’re stupid. You really should just give up. You have nothing to live for. Not a thing…You’ll lose every friendship, everything if anyone ever knew.” And that…that just pisses me off.
I don’t believe that. I think more people need to talk about it so people can get better about winning this fight and not struggling day to day or worrying about it coming back. It’s a war against yourself and it’s a mess of confusion. It’s there, it’s real even if no one wants to talk about it. One of my favorite articles is about a woman who was told her whole life that because she was bipolar she could never be a doctor. So she conquered it (through therapy) and became a doctor. The attitude that people say “oh you’re sick” is from ignorance. It’s not a cartoon, Jekyll and Hyde moment. You don’t lose your mind and start trying to pee on your neighbor’s car or think you’re a unicorn. You still retain all the common sense you had before, you’re still as smart as you were before. Before implying there was a place that didn’t feel like this (not when you were worthy of approval, this really isn’t about other people) and you can find you’re way back there. So no irrational thoughts, fuck you.
I care about people getting a fighting chance against themselves and I can’t do anything to encourage that if I’m dead. Pretending this isn’t a part of me isn’t going to make it go away and I might have to duke it out with this bastard every now and then. So I’m going to use it and post it and all hell can break loose because of it. But if one person sees this and it helps them not end it, I did the right thing. I will fight a thousand times over for that. And beautiful brain babies.
An hour later after starting this post, I went from holding my keys ready to just go to being damn sure I had something to live for. I forgot I’ve done this before and that the time in between those two frames of thought gets less and less. (It used to take weeks.) I forgot that I learned dozens of paths out of the forest. I had to get over the side eyes and distancing and concentrate on why and how I was thinking. I don’t want to be anyone’s go to guardian, don’t take my experiences as the one true gospel. But it is one more thing in your get through it gear.
Be a titan and claw your way out. Remember all the things that made your heart sing (a Keychain from your favorite show, a nice thing a friend said, your favorite clothes, a concept, anything can be used to build a fire of yes within yourself. Find the spark and feed the fire.) Arm yourself to the teeth with knowledge and things you love. You never know what might be your spark. Don’t be hungry for life, be ravenous.
I promise I’ll do goth things, give me a minute.
Until next time,
Z. e. D.