A Brief Moment of Paralyzing Fear

Lately I have been feeling more and more withdrawn from people. I think it comes and goes in cycles and this is not something new for me. Being social has always been a hard thing for me to do. I want to be social and see people, but I can’t even calm down long enough to even see my best friend’s baby boy. It’s very frustrating. So we’re going to work through this together. 

Why is it frustrating? 

It’s like seeing a magnificent cake under a very heavy glass and everyone around you can lift this glass easily but you can’t. You would very much like to have a piece of cake, but the glass is so heavy. But the glass didn’t bank on you being a resourceful little mischief maker. So you figure out ways to lift the glass. You got a stick and some leverage and that worked for a solid minute, until the stick broke and you had no more stick. “Fine.” You say, and you go off to find another way, that will break and you will say fine and so on forever. You’ve only managed to taste the cake, but never savor it. And you start to think maybe you don’t want cake that bad after all, until someone says “God this cake is delicious.” and you think. “I know. Did you see me call the cake magnificent? So why can’t I have any?”

Before we go any further, I want to make it clear, while I was suicidal, I am not now. It does cross my mind, like “Do I feel like killing myself?” but the answer is always no. It doesn’t erase the possibility completely and I know it will worry some of you, but the best way to help me with that is to believe that I won’t. I have shit to do today, like get me some cake damn it. I’m sure we’ll talk about this more eventually. 

What helps? 

Shopping helps. You see, the things I obtain are like the bricks of my own little Wonderland, my safe space if you will. One day I hope to be able to invite people over to this safe space and share these things with them. Anyway, shopping is my way of forcing myself to interact with people. If I don’t go shopping for like a week, it becomes even more difficult to remember how to interact with people. Facebook and other social media helps a lot, but as you can see posting videos was the first thing to go when this withdrawing business started up again. I honestly just don’t remember how. Was I ever capable of doing it? Was it worth anything? But even online conversations have started to dwindle. I kind of don’t remember what else helps, but I know there were other things. 

What hurts? 

It’s inconsistent. Two days of positive interaction of Facebook and three days of nothing, is two steps forward and thirteen steps back. We have established I am determined as a champion to not give up, even if I have to claw my way back through hell. I don’t care. I think I’ve gotten so comfortable wanting a safe space, I forgot to actually find one. I got lost in all the things that could have been or might be that I didn’t tether myself to anything real. 

So where are we now? 

You know those giant rocks balanced carefully by some insane force in the middle of nowhere? I’m standing on that. It’s time to give up the paralyzing false sense of security and break down the glass. If you’ve gotten to nowhere, I suppose the hard part is over. Because if you can get to a point where you realize it’s nowhere, then there’s some place else you’d rather be. (You certainly wouldn’t call “home” “nowhere”.) I do believe home for me is in the center of that cake we’ve been talking about. It won’t be easy. I’ll probably need a notebook or two, and a great deal of personal strength. I’m going to jump off the rock thingy and into the cake. 

Don’t be hungry for life. Be ravenous. 

 

What are some things that help you be social when it all seems dark?

Until next time,

Z.e.D.

4 thoughts on “A Brief Moment of Paralyzing Fear

  1. Lou

    I understand what you mean. Sometimes having people come to see me helps. Other times it’s making sure there is an escape plan if I need to leave, or that the visit is a short one.
    Sending you hugs!

  2. rayveene

    Iv’e been recently recovering myself, like you mentioned about having a piece of that cake I had it and ate it too.
    But what I’m saying is I’m glad that you aren’t in a bad state of mind anymore; I hope that this subsides and you will come out with both fist up and become social agian.

    -Ray

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