I have a hard time feeling loved. I know my parents and I’m very grateful for that, my siblings do, which is awesome because there were a few years that I didn’t even talk to them, so now is awesome. But I don’t feel it. The only way I know how to explain is like this.
You and I are standing on opposite sides of chasm. You are so far away, but I see you, I know you are there. You’re shouting “I love you” and it becomes a package trying its damnedest to make it over this chasm. I can see it, I open my hands to catch it. Sometimes I even lean a little bit into the chasm just maybe, a little farther I could catch it. But it’s only a scrap of wrapping by the time it gets to me. Somewhere between you and me the actual weight of your love fell into the chasm. I see it. I know it exist, but I cannot feel it.
Yes, it’s very sad, but don’t you dare pity me. Considering I used to want to leap into the chasm, I think I’m doing pretty damn well don’t you? “But how?” You ask, “How can you be so happy and so alive if you can’t feel one of the most beautiful feelings human experience has to offer?” (I’m smiling but you can’t see it. Oh wait. 😀 )
I ran like hell to other things. “I may not have a heart, but I have other things and those things work just fine.” I can make things, that hopefully inspire other people to make things. I can feel appreciation for artists who truly pour their heart into their work. I feel a desperate need to make other people feel better, even if I feel like my life is meaningless, because I don’t think their lives are meaningless. (Which then in turn gives my life meaning, and becomes a win muffin hugging* win.) I can feel so many other things besides love. Do they pale in comparison? No and who cares.
It is incredibly painful sometimes. It gives me a headache, it makes me want to be angry and to give up on everything, it becomes an actual pain in my chest. But just because I can’t feel it, doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of it. It allows me to focus on other things and find serious value in that. It’s not my main focus, but I don’t give up hope that a package of feels will one day make it safely over.
Don’t ever give up hope. It is one of the few things no one can take from you, and it’s like a half step below super power. (such a tinny tiny amount below super power it practically is one. I will let you know if I find other super powers you can actually have.)
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Until next time,