My Ideal Relationship

I imagine it would start like this:

The universe looks down on me one overcast Tuesday and says, “Zakkarrii, the cosmic forces and I have aligned and we have decided we have put you through enough hell to suffer through on your own.”

I’m a smart ass, so I say, “Oh really now?”

“Don’t get cute. We are sending you a person to accompany you on your life journey.”

“A whole person? For real? Like one that comes equipped with compassion, understanding, and a constant hunger to learn and participate in the world around them? A whole person?”

“Yes, think of it as a gift…like in Hunger Games.”

I’m still skeptical and still a smart ass. “Are you teasing me? Because my little heart can’t take that. I’m on my last heart strings here okay and they dn’t make ’em in this model anymore, so I have to be careful.” I’ll point to the universe and squint. “Are you joshing me?”

The universe fed up with my shit, sighs, “No josh, all drake. They’re on their way. One catch though, you don’t get to know who or when.”

I don’t like it, but I’m grateful. I have a summer house in hell, some company would be nice. I say, “thank you, Universe,” and we part.

Now they say you don’t get to know who or when, but when you meet the person the universe sends you there is a cosmic shift. You feel it in every part of you; earlobes, kneecaps, the space between your fingers. You know who and when damn it.

At first, when you meet, you won’t say anything. You realize you don’t have to. You have the rest of your lives to say everything to each other. But there is some doubt, you better be sure. (Can’t be wasting time with a false positive when the real one is around the corner at Starbucks, for the one and only time ever in history.) You’ll try to the think of a good gauge question, something clever from a book you read and in one foul swoop say something else. Something bizarre, borderline questioning-your-sanity-is-acceptable-now weird. But they’ll smile, roll with it. Maybe they’re being polite or maybe they like you. You botched the gauge, Starbucks possibility long gone now. Now you’re in it, you’ve spoken, and you might as well do this right.

These are things that are important to me in my ideal relationship. Your own list maybe be completely different. These can also be applied to best friend relationships or multiple good romantic relationships.

The Silent Moments- I don’t know about you, but the magical moment is when we can be silent for longer than the awkward pause. I currently test this with cigarettes, though it could be with anything. If we can go through approximately ten minutes of beautiful silence and still be comfortable with each other, we’re set for at least two solid years of good times. At least.

The Shared Common Interest (Or Lack of)- I prefer people who don’t have a lot in common with me. I say this towards superficial things, than can easily be shared, like books, movies, shows etc. For example, just because you like Alice in Wonderland does not mean it will be a perfect match. It’s what is at the core of our interests, like a sense of adventure, an ability to snuggle in bed with coffee and books, or I don’t know, a sense of trust in each other. Those are shared interests worth evaluating a relationship on.

You look at me like it’s basic stuff, but I don’t have the time to share the nightmare first dates that were over before we ordered drinks. No, I’ve never seen that movie or played that game. Oh are you not going to tell me about it and your interest in it? I won’t get it? I must have mislead you that this was a convention to celebrate some trivial detail and not an opportunity to share your passions and maybe spark my interest. Dis bitch.*

*You present the illusion of a boss, but my good sir and/or madam are behaving like a poor excuse for bacteria that managed to coax a human form.

The Making It Work- You will never ask if you can make it work, only how. Don’t get this twisted. This is usually after you’ve decided you like this person quite a bit. This is when one of you gets a job that forces the other to compromise. Or you’re at vastly different places emotionally, personally, individually (like going through school, suffered a recent trauma…) that will occasionally try the other’s patience. Or when one of you gets sick, very sick and you wouldn’t blame them for leaving, but you hope as you look into their eyes, theyre asking themselves how not if. That’s what making it work is. This isn’t high school prom and your corsage doesn’t match your tie/dress/whatever. This is life and everything you couldn’t plan for.

The Fights- We are going to fight, we are going to argue, and say some not nice things to each other, (except for those things-never-to-be-used-in-malice) and we are going to take a five minute break. We will be sorry and listen to each other and work it. I’m 22 years old, old enough to know that sometimes you have to be yell and let some rage out before anything can get done. Sometimes. But we fight in private and over important stuff.

Not worth fighting about: Why I left the bag of chips on the counter and not in the cabinet and why you can’t be bothered to press clear on the mircowave with two seconds left on it.

Worth fighting about: I sold your laptop to buy some ugly designer thrift clothing I don’t even friggin’ like just to spite you about the microwave thing. I would never, but something big like that.

The Relationship Itself- A relationship is like a person. It has its infancy (or the cutesy honeymoon phase), adolescence (generally before marriage or moving in together, insert significant life altering step here) and maturity (when you start making significant life decisions based on each other). It is a learning experience for everyone involved, and it’s not easy sometimes, or hell, most of the time. You have to care for it, be receptive to it, and  love it as much as you love each other (because you can love each other and not love how the relationship is working out). I’m signing up for the vacation house in hell. Where the breaking point breaks a sweat trying to catch us off guard. Where our relationship inspires legends, but they are never told because no one can grasp our power house team.

But if we go through all of that and it seems the universe think we’ve done all we can for each other, it’s okay. I will, hopefully, never see it as a waste of time. I came with good intentions and an empty notebook, and if we made it this far, you probably did too. I could and shall never leave empty handed. It’ll probably hurt, but we’ll most likely be friends afterwards, and it’s still okay if we aren’t.

What do you think? Am I asking for the moon here? Or does your heart’s desires line up with mine? Is not the goth post you were looking for? Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, and YouTube to be the first to see when it comes up. If you’re wondering where I’ve been, I’ve been at The Dream Lounge, my Etsy store. May and June are going to working out a schedule months so bear with me.

Until next time,


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