Almost a year ago, to the day, I made a rushed video called “Black Goth Experiences“. It was a very personal video that allowed me to leave some horrible experiences behind. I received comments of support and praise for making it. I had people telling me they didn’t feel so alone anymore.
They don’t feel so alone anymore.
The way I see it, I was getting bullied and harassed just being myself without putting myself out there, or here rather. If that was how things were going to be how could I not take the chance to try to and make someone’s life a little less unpleasant by making things? There isn’t one second that goes by that I don’t fear the hell that could come from me putting myself online. But I suppose that’s what makes me an optimist. Maybe someone who feels such hate for people like me could see that their negative assumptions are wrong. People come in so many varieties and that means you won’t click with all of them, but that’s no reason to try to silence them because of something they can’t control. I can only hope that I have had that kind of impact on someone, opened their eyes just the tiniest bit.
Things have gotten better since I made that video. I found strength in going into things focusing on being true to myself first, and fear of other people second, or for some brief moments, not at all. I have made some of the best friends through this community. It’s why I could never leave, it’s why some of us never leave. If you’ve never had to hunt for that safe place, build it within yourself, it might not make sense. But when I walk into a goth club, or dress up, wear purple lipstick, it’s like finally feeling alive, taking the deepest breath of fresh air. It is everything. I finally have it.
I was going to respond specifically to comments on that video, to correct some, to reassure others that I was okay. But I have to keep moving forward, and that would be like looking back, going back to that place. I’ve come too far to turn back now. I can’t speak for everyone, I can only imagine what anyone else is going through. I can barely give solid advice. All I’ve learned from this particular experience is to take the moments you get and run with them. Show support and solidarity when you can, and be patient and respectful when people can’t.
The thing that I keep thinking of is a note from my pit instructor from high school marching band:
“Play through the keys.”
Such a strange thing to make a mantra, but it is something that keeps me going when it seems impossible to.